life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
