My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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