That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
