I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize