I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
