Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
