Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
