mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
