I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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