I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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