At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
