mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
