You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
