shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
