I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
