so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
