I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
