She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
