i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
