Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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