i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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