listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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