Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
