is your mom at the bar?
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
