Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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