well I can't set my house on fire every night
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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