he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
