To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
