Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
