The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
