My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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