you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
