Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
