I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
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I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize