upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
