Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
