So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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