dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
