I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize