i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
