i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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