hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
