please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sarcasm needs its own font
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
