I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Holy sore nipples Batman
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
