and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
