Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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