Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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