I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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