i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
