someone get that fucking seahorse.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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