We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
