did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
