I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
