did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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