why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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