Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
