I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
